First of all, WTF is that way to communicate? Seriously. Passive-aggressiveness is one of the most confusing and frustrating behaviors I’ve ever encountered. As an autistic adult, I value directness and clarity, so when someone throws out those vague, snarky remarks or backhanded compliments, it makes me frustrated, pissed, and just plain upset. If you feel the same, you’re not alone.
Passive-aggressiveness is a way people express their anger or dissatisfaction without saying it outright. Instead of confronting an issue head-on, they’ll drop hints, make sarcastic comments, or even sulk. For autistic people, who often thrive on clear communication, this can feel like trying to decode a puzzle with missing pieces.
But here’s the thing: you can survive this. You can even learn to navigate it in a way that protects your mental energy. Let’s talk about how.
Why Is Passive-Aggressiveness So Frustrating for Autistic People?
1. It’s Indirect and Confusing
When someone says, “Oh, don’t worry about it,” but their tone says, “You’ve seriously let me down,” it can feel like walking into a trap. Autistic adults often prefer straightforward communication, so this indirectness feels like a language we’re not fluent in.
2. It Feeds Into Overthinking
After a passive-aggressive comment, my brain goes into overdrive. What did they mean? Are they mad? Should I apologize? It’s exhausting.
3. It’s Emotionally Draining
Decoding passive-aggressiveness takes mental energy that could be spent on literally anything else. For autistic people, who may already deal with sensory or social overload, this added stress can push us to the brink of burnout.
Signs Someone Is Being Passive-Aggressive
If you’re wondering whether you’re dealing with passive-aggressiveness, here are some common signs:
- Backhanded Compliments: “You’re surprisingly good at this!”
- Silent Treatment: They ignore you but claim everything’s fine.
- Sarcasm: “Oh sure, because that worked so well last time.”
- Procrastination: Delaying tasks as a way to express their displeasure.
- Veiled Criticism: “Some people just don’t think before they speak.”
How to Handle Passive-Aggressiveness
1. Don’t Take the Bait
Passive-aggressive comments are often designed to provoke a reaction. If you respond emotionally, it gives the other person exactly what they want. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that their behavior says more about them than it does about you.
2. Ask for Clarification
One of the best ways to defuse passive-aggressiveness is to respond with genuine curiosity. For example, if someone says, “Wow, must be nice to leave early,” you can say, “I’m not sure what you mean. Can you explain?” This puts the ball in their court and forces them to either explain themselves or backpedal. (for real this is gold advice!)
3. Set Boundaries
You have every right to protect your mental energy. If someone’s passive-aggressiveness becomes a pattern, it’s okay to address it directly. For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve made a few comments like this. If there’s something bothering you, I’d prefer we talk about it openly.”
4. Stay Calm
Passive-aggressiveness thrives on emotional reactions. The calmer you remain, the less satisfying it is for the other person. Practice grounding techniques, like deep breathing or focusing on your surroundings, to keep your cool.
5. Limit Interaction if Necessary
Sometimes, the best way to handle passive-aggressiveness is to limit your exposure to it. If this behavior is coming from a coworker, friend, or even a family member, consider reducing the amount of time you spend with them.
How to Protect Your Energy
1. Prioritize Self-Care
Dealing with passive-aggressiveness can be draining, so make time for activities that recharge you. Whether it’s reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature, self-care is essential.
2. Find Your Support System
Talk to people who understand you and value direct communication. Whether it’s a close friend, a therapist, or an online community, having support makes a huge difference.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
It’s easy to blame yourself when someone is passive-aggressive, but remember: their behavior is not your fault. Be kind to yourself and focus on what you can control.
Final Thoughts
Passive-aggressiveness is one of those behaviors that can make social interactions feel like an uphill battle. As an autistic adult, it’s okay to feel frustrated, pissed, or upset by it. But you don’t have to let it derail your day.
By recognizing the signs, staying calm, and setting boundaries, you can navigate passive-aggressiveness without losing your mind. And remember, it’s not your job to decode other people’s cryptic behavior. Prioritize your peace—you deserve it.
