First of All, Why Do We Mask?
If you’ve ever felt like you were playing a role just to fit in, you’re not alone. Masking—hiding your natural behaviors, forcing yourself to mimic neurotypical social norms, and constantly monitoring how you come across—is exhausting. It’s something many autistic people do to survive in a world that wasn’t built for us. But at what cost?
For a long time, I didn’t even realize I was masking. I thought I was just “doing what needed to be done.” Smiling when I didn’t feel like it. Forcing eye contact even when it made my skin crawl. Laughing at jokes I didn’t understand. It was like I had built a whole personality around being “acceptable.”
But here’s the thing: no matter how well I played the part, something always felt off. I still felt like an outsider. The more I masked, the more I lost sight of who I really was. And that’s where the burnout hit. Hard.
The truth is, everyone masks to some degree. But for an autistic person, masking is automatic. We start so young that it becomes second nature. The mask isn’t just something we put on—it’s something we’ve been trained to wear. And because many of us have faced bullying, we learn that showing our true selves is dangerous. It’s not just difficult to unmask; it’s terrifying.
The Cost of Hiding Who You Are
Masking isn’t just about fitting in—it’s survival. But survival mode isn’t meant to last forever. When you mask for too long, you start to feel the consequences:
- Exhaustion: Constantly filtering yourself is draining. Even simple conversations can feel like a performance that leaves you wiped out.
- Identity Confusion: If you’ve spent years adapting to others’ expectations, it’s easy to lose touch with your real personality. What do you actually like? What’s just part of the act?
- Increased Anxiety & Burnout: The longer you suppress your natural self, the heavier the mental load becomes. Eventually, it catches up with you.
- Shallow Connections: People can’t truly connect with you if they’re only seeing the version of you that’s edited for their comfort.
And then there are the physical effects. I over-smile to seem approachable—it actually hurts my cheeks sometimes. I overuse my eyebrows to prove I’m listening and interested. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, I wonder if I even know what my real voice sounds like. When you’ve spent your whole life controlling every reaction, finding your natural self feels almost impossible.
The Fear of Unmasking
Unmasking feels like stepping into the unknown. If you’ve spent years blending in, dropping the mask can feel like exposing yourself to rejection and judgment. What if people don’t like the real you? What if they stop talking to you?
I won’t lie—some people will react differently. But the people who truly matter? They’ll stay.
I am still trying to unmask. I have been masking so much and for so long that I don’t even know what my real voice sounds like. People will say, “Just be yourself,” but what if you don’t know who that is? Many of us feel like aliens—like we landed on Earth without the proper human behavior training. We mimic what we see, but we never quite get it right.
But here’s the truth: You don’t have to be perfect to be real. Unmasking is about finding peace in who you are—not about meeting anyone else’s expectations.If you’ve spent years, maybe even decades, perfecting the art of blending in, letting go of that safety net feels impossible. What if people don’t like the real you? What if you make them uncomfortable? What if you’re rejected?
Those fears kept me stuck for a long time. But at some point, I had to ask myself—was I really living if I was constantly pretending? Hey, my dream is to be a chill and confident old lady, completely okay with how she is. Yes haha this is my dream!
So, little by little, I started experimenting. Speaking in my natural tone. Letting my face rest however it wanted instead of forcing an expression. And you know what? The world didn’t end. Some people were confused, sure. But the right people? The people who get me? They stayed. And for the first time, I felt truly seen. Some people have even told me they’ve never met someone like me! And you know what? That’s the best compliment a person can give me.
How to Start Unmasking (Without Panic) + Helpful Resources
If you’re ready to start unmasking, know this: you don’t have to do it all at once. It’s not about flipping a switch—it’s about taking small steps toward authenticity.
1. Notice When and Why You Mask
Pay attention to when you feel the need to adjust yourself. Is it at work? Around family? In public spaces? Understanding your triggers helps you take control of them.
2. Start in Low-Stakes Situations
Choose safe spaces to practice unmasking. Maybe it’s at home, with close friends, or in online communities where you don’t feel judged.
3. Reconnect with Your Interests
When you’ve masked for a long time, it’s easy to forget what you actually enjoy. Take time to explore old and new interests without worrying about how they “look” to others.
4. Let Go of Social Scripts
You don’t have to force small talk, fake enthusiasm, or laugh at things that aren’t funny. Allow yourself to interact in a way that feels natural.
5. Find a Support System
Seeking guidance from others who have walked this path can be incredibly helpful. Here are some resources that might support your journey:
- Books:
- Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price
- Divergent Mind by Jenara Nerenberg
- Online Communities:
- r/AutisticAdults on Reddit
- The Neurodivergent Insights Instagram page
- Therapy & Coaching:
- Working with an autistic-informed therapist
- Joining peer support groups for late-diagnosed or self-identified autistic individuals
Surround yourself with people who celebrate the real you. This might mean shifting away from certain friendships or finding new communities that accept you as you are.
Embracing the Real You
I won’t pretend unmasking is easy. It’s a process, and some days will be harder than others. But the more you allow yourself to be, the lighter it feels. The less you second-guess your every move. The more you realize that you were never broken—you were just conditioned to believe that being yourself wasn’t enough.
So, let this be your sign. The time has come to unmask. Not for them. For you.
You deserve to take up space. You deserve to exist exactly as you are. And trust me—the world is better with the real you in it.
